It’s baaaaaccckkkk. This time to discuss the wonderful life of a poor idiot farm boy Bernard from Stardust.

Poor Bernard. Out of literally the dozens of cannon fodder in the movie Stardust; guards, unicorns, and squawking shopkeepers, somehow farm boy makes it out okay! While you can argue he is settled better for his mishaps in the long run the point is he gets to keep his life. Which, really in Stardust with the amount Septimus cares about other human lives and the way Lamia, the dark witch will just eff up anyone who pisses her out it’s a wonder.

He starts out as a seemingly berated son taking his families last goat on the way to market. Getting yelled at by your mother is like a common trait when you also have to take your last remaining animal to market. Must we remember Jack and the Beanstalk? He then runs into Lamia and starts his, less romantic, destiny as her second goat.

Following a tired cross-country trip chasing, for all he cares, a star across Stormhold they finally stop and in a dark stormy night he is shifted again into himself. Hurrah, he thinks shitless, I am sure. But alas, it is only for a moment when he gets to now play a maid in an inn. Enjoying his new found chesticles for sure, but still at a seemingly evil sorceress beck and call is not, I’m sure, how Bernard planned his evening when he woke up this morning.


While the witch is being foiled, he hides out under a cart, hoping in vain, to be forgotten. But again, still alive! You lucky, lucky – oh wait ladies, here comes Septimus.

Septimus, as you may recall, is the ruthless last brother who wants to be king of Stormhold. While hiding out, or coming to, Bernard hears the company of men and in particular the conversation of Septimus finding his dead brother and wishing he had killed him first. At this point Bernard, proving he truly is a scholar, reaches out and touches Septimus. Brilliant. With a knife to his throat, he tells Septimus WAY too much information, but still, gets to keep his neck AND be taken along for the adventure of—wella ride.

Poor Bernard. In his last stop on the omg can my life get much worse tour Bernard is taken to the lake where his current captor and his captors men go down to a ship to hunt for the Star & Stone. Instead of FLEEING ON THE FREE HORSE he insteads decides to wait for his captor to come back. When said moment arrives, he immediately gives Septimus more bad news and for his troubles is flung from the last remaining horse (don’t get me started on, where are the other horses) and is left by the docks. To survive yet another day.


I like that Bernard’s story ends in that he immediately goes down to the boat and decides to become a pirate. The only smart decision for him to ever make.

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